Google launches Gmail for iOS app

Google launched a “fantastic” new Gmail app today for users of Apple’s popular iOS devices. The app boasts an almost-identical view of users’ email as the that of the mobile Gmail website. “We think that by not actually changing anything except the color of the buttons, we’ve created an app that iOS users who have previously used our mobile website will intuitively know how to use,” said Jon Ivy, who designed the app submitted the UIWebView to the App Store.

“Basically, what we have done is here is found an innovative new way to redefine the users’ concept of what sucks. We have taken the word ‘garbage’ to a whole new level. And ability to email photos is something that no other app, except the built-in Mail application, and possibly a few others, has,” boasted Scott Forsteal, lead developer of UIWebViews at Google. “To say that this app redefines an entire category would be an understatement,” he added.

Many users have complained about the fact that the Gmail app doesn’t actually work correctly, citing the fact that Google actually botched Push Notification implementation in the published version. Push Notifications fail to reach the app and display an error message to users, a problem for which Apple typically rejects applications from their storefront. “The fact that we were able to get this app published with non-functional Push Notifications is a testament to the true development skills at Google,” noted Forsteal. “We think it’s magical and really great. In fact, these notifications consist mainly of just a badge, with no banner or sound options, which is less than what the built-in Mail app allows, so what we’ve done here really is innovative.”

Of course, to say that the app is just a UIWebView is factually incorrect. The app also boasts a navigation bar exactly like the one seen in the newest version of Facebook’s also-crappy iOS application. On main difference between the Facebook and Gmail sidebars is the color. Another difference is that the Facebook version is large enough to read all of the section names, while the Gmail version cuts off your label names after only a few characters. “By borrowing a great idea from another company, we’ve one again used our signature of shamelessly stealing other people’s thunder and implementing in a way that is just really, really crappy,” beamed an excited Ivy.

Both Ivy and Forsteal were disappointed to learn that the app had been pulled from the App Store just hours after launching due to the Push bug that an entire team of mobile engineers and testers Jon’s mother missed while beta testing the software. Regarding the software, Mrs. Ivy said, “I think it’s very nice that Jon and his friends have such a cute hobby. This thing that they made is very nice. I can see my e-message mails from my grandchildren on it!” Ivy’s mother said she tested the app on a device borrowed from her neighbors because her son does not allow her to own Apple products. “He said they just don’t know how to design a good product,” she stated.

The app is not without its flaws though, admits Forsteal. “For instance, the app was originally supposed to be made of glass and aluminum, but our mobile development team couldn’t figure out how to build a UIWebView–excuse me, an app–out of those materials. We hope that in the future we will be able to more fully copy Apple’s design principles in our software,” he said, willfully ignoring the fact that Apple’s software design has nothing to do with those materials. “Not that we like their design, mind you,” he quickly interjected. “Apple’s native Mail application is a piece of crap compared to ours. Theirs uses a native-looking UI that blends in well with the rest of the operating system and gives the system a uniform appearance. Our groundbreaking work on Android has taught us that those things are the biggest inhibitors of great interface design and user experience.”

Google’s Gmail app can be downloaded now could be downloaded for free from the App Store earlier today before Google pulled it due to their own incompetence.

 

This post was not proofread before posting because making sure everything is right before publishing your work is apparently for losers.