Man sues United States government over fireworks accident

Twenty-five year old Bruce Thomas, of Houston, Texas, filed a lawsuit against the federal government after an accident involving his Independence Day celebrations, according to documents filed late Wednesday. Thomas claims that the U.S. government is to blame for the accident, in which he lost three fingers when a firecracker went off in his left hand. The lawsuit claims that if the federal government had simply not existed, Independence Day would not exist, Thomas would not have been celebrating, and the accident would not have occurred.

Federal attorneys could not be reached for comment, but Thomas’ legal representation presents a strong case in his favor.

“This tragedy could have easily been avoided centuries ago,” Thomas’ lawyer said in a statement Wednesday evening. “If the Founding Fathers had simply taken some time to consider all of the possible outcomes of their uprising, they would have easily been able to prevent my client from losing three fingers. Sadly, the Founding Fathers did not have the necessary foresight to predict such an event. The federal government must be held accountable for their actions which led to Mr. Thomas sustaining severe injuries.”

Thomas is suing the government for $1 billion, plus coverage for his medical bills. Several members of Congress have denounced the lawsuit as “ludicrous”. One lawmaker went so far as to proclaim that Thomas was responsible for his own injuries, an idea Thomas’ lawyer says is “complete madness”.

The case is expected to go before a judge, who will almost certainly rule in Thomas’ favor given the reasonable nature of his claim, on Friday, July 13. Several legal experts have also concluded that scheduling the hearing for Friday the Thirteenth may work even more in Thomas’ favor, as he will likely be involved in another accident that day due to bad luck. A second accident, especially one in a courtroom, can be used as additional evidence that “the government is totally out to get me, man,” according to a post on Thomas’ Twitter account Wednesday evening.