T-Mobile to merge with MetroPCS, but not really

Screen Shot 2012 10 03 at 3 09 41 PM

T-Mobile CEO John Legere, portrayed by a Steve Buscemi impersonator, is “psyched” about the merger

T-Mobile USA announced a daring new plan to merge with MetroPCS in order to further advance their network infrastructure. “We believe that by merging with the 72nd largest wireless carrier in the US, we can create a network which rivals that of Alltel Wireless,” T-Mobile CEO John Legere said in a YouTube video posted just after the announcement.

Legere praised MetroPCS’ refusal to just “roll over and die already,” noting that “even though most people thought they did that years ago, they actually have a broad customer base of nearly ten subscribers.” Citing the fact that Sprint’s 3G network is the slowest in the country, Legere joked that “it shouldn’t be too hard to catch up to them,” but then grimaced, as if he suddenly realized that the nation’s slowest 3G network is still more popular than his company’s “4G” HSPA+ network.

Many speculate that MetroPCS was actually T-Mobile’s second choice following T-Mobile’s failed AT&T merger. Legere refuted such claims, saying that MetroPCS was “definitely not a second option,” and that it was in fact “our fourth or fifth option after a bunch of other networks shot us down.”

Legere said that he is “psyched” for the merger and can’t wait for the day when T-Mobile “curb-stomps those punks at AT&T and Verizon.” Legere then took a moment to discuss the difference between T-Mobile’s new combined network and those of the company’s competitors using a series of buzzwords so lengthy and meaningless that we will not bother to write it in this post.

Addressing concerns that no one will actually care about this merger, Legere said, “Wait until those losers at Alltel get a load of this. They won’t know what hit them. And we’re just going to climb the ladder from there. We’re going to hit everyone starting with those chumps at Sprint. Screw those guys.”

A bit later in the video, Legere assured viewers that because MetroPCS and T-Mobile use different network technologies, they will remain separate companies with separate leadership, and only merge in the sense that nothing will actually be merged except their name. “Basically we’re going to have the same name, but our network, while huge, won’t work on all of our phones. In fact, for the most part, our customers can rest assured that nothing is actually going to change,” he stated.

Regarding the actual phone hardware that would run on the network, Legere said, “What is an iPhone? We don’t want that phone. It sucks. It is the worst phone ever. Although if Apple would just take a look at our new network once the merger is complete and think about maybe giving us the iPhone, we would be extremely grateful. That’s not the only reason we’re retooling our entire network, but it actually definitely might be. But yeah, the iPhone sucks.”

Legere finished his video by saying that “this isn’t a move to survive. It’s a move to thrive. We are merging with one of the smallest, least-known networks in the country, not because we are desperately trying to keep our heads above water, but because we really need their incredibly depressing infrastructure to make our network the best ever.”

We tried to reach MetroPCS for comment, but unfortunately their representative couldn’t get a signal anywhere due to shoddy network coverage.