Category Archives: Politics

I lean to the right more than anyone in any dance-rap music video ever.

Twitter Inc. is the federal government

This is adapted and expanded from a Twitter rant.

Twitter Inc. is the federal government and third-party developers are state and local government. Individual apps represent industries, and Twitter users function as regular citizens who vote, work, and live within the system. Allow me to elaborate.

Twitter Inc. originally provided a framework for the third parties to build on, but left them autonomous in many regards. They could make their design their apps however they wanted. They could decide which features they wanted to support and which ones they didn’t. If their apps were useful to a large number of people, the developers could sell them and make a living.

However, in recent years, Twitter Inc has continued to remove more and more authority from developers, increasing regulation of apps. They’ve decreed that third-party Twitter apps must support specific features. They’ve ordered developers to make their apps look alike, even dictating the placement of profile photos, timestamps, and other metadata.

Perhaps most egregiously, they’ve told app developers that anyone making a new app for viewing a Twitter timeline can only have 20,000 users. After the 20,000th user has logged into a specific app, Twitter will block additional people from using it.

With these API token limits, Twitter Inc. effectively told third parties to take a hike. “Sure, you CAN do great things, but we’ll limit your profit.” These new regulations stifle third-party app development. With so much regulation on how apps can look and function, and how many users they can support, developers no longer care to put in the work to create great software. Why bother when you’ll be limited to such a small user base, thereby limiting the number of copies of your app you can sell and the money you can make from your work?

If Twitter Inc. started deregulating third-party apps at the federal level, developers would be free to institute design choices and features catering to the unique needs of their apps and users.

As the apps become better and increase their user base (here an analog for employment) more people benefit from the overall Twitter service.  Twitter Inc. can’t possibly be responsible for maintaining the well-being of every single app. Developers and their users (“employees” who “vote” by purchasing apps) can work together to determine what works best & improve the service for everyone.

People want different things from the Twitter service (the overall system of government that we all live within). App developers (state and local government) can help meet the needs of specific groups with more care and precision by implementing policies (features and design choices) that benefit their applications (industries and businesses) than Twitter Inc. (the federal government), which forces a one-fit solution on everyone whether it benefits them or harms them.

The new Quarter Pounders at McDonald’s are basically obamacare burgers

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A few months ago McDonald’s introduced a bunch of new toppings for the Quarter Pounder. They are pretty much the obamacare of burgers, and I’m pretty upset about them. Let me explain to you why these awful, horrible obamaburgers (which I will admit are actually quite delicious) are actually the most horrendous act ever perpetrated by a fast food establishment against its customers.

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Why Apple products should be immediately banned nationwide

Mike Bloomberg says increased crime in New York is due to increased sales of iPhones and iPads. If that’s the case it seems like a simple problem to fix. All he has to do is ban iPhone and iPad sales and there won’t be a crime issue in New York City anymore!

Of course, as you may already know, Apple’s flagship store—essentially the Mecca of Apple retail—is located on Fifth Avenue in New York City, so I’m not so sure Apple would appreciate that move. Actually, I’m fairly certain no one in New York would appreciate it.

But of course, we all know that the only way to stop crime is to ban things. Banning handguns successfully made New York the city with the lowest gun violence rate in the country (note: this is entirely untrue; New York City has a high rate of gun crime), and banning large sodas has completely wiped out obesity in New York City (note: this is also untrue; New Yorkers are just as fat as they’ve always been). Therefore, we can easily conclude that the only solution to this crime problem is to eliminate Apple products.

Perhaps the government can buy back people’s existing Apple products (at a reduced rate, obviously; can’t give people too much money for this contraband). Government agents could then destroy these crime-inducing devices to ensure public safety.

Thankfully, government regulation has solved every problem known to mankind thus far. By ordering us to give money to the government to be redistributed to the poor through welfare and other entitlement programs, we have effectively eliminated poverty in the United States (note: this is untrue; people are still poor). By banning firearms in cities like New York and Chicago, we have eliminated gun violence in those areas (note: this is untrue; today it was announced that Chicago has had 500 homicides this year, 87% of which involved an illegal gun). Finally, by blocking the sale of large soft drinks in New York City, we have wiped out all traces of obesity (note: as previously mentioned, this is untrue).

Please join me in asking Mike Bloomberg—and politicians around the country—to ban the sales of Apple products in this country in order to eliminate crime. Given our track record of banning the things that we blame for our troubles, I feel that this course of action is absolutely necessary to ensure the safety of the American people.

Update: I have just learned that @ReagentX took parts of this blog post and used them to create a petition on the White House website asking for all Apple products to be banned. I find this hilarious.