Category Archives: Satire

Sometimes I just write funny stuff. This is that stuff.

Apple introduces iPhone 7S with all-new Pro Audio Port

Apple Inc. today announced its next-generation iPhone, dubbed the iPhone 7S, which features an all-new Pro Audio Port for use with professional audio equipment. The new connector, which was first included on the latest MacBook Pro models, is a sleek 3.5mm jack that allows the smartphone to connect to an array of audio accessories.

“We’re really proud of the work our engineering team has done to bring this innovative new connector to mobile devices,” said Apple marketing SVP Phil Schiller. “With the inclusion of the 3.5mm Pro Audio Port, professionals in the music industry can take full advantage of their iPhones to create and capture their inspiration anywhere they go.”

The benevolent company has graciously opened the Pro Audio Port as a free-to-use standard for accessory makers, which will allow it to be used not just in specially-built partner devices, but in a wide array of consumer hardware applications. Of the decision to make the port an open standard, Schiller said, “We’re excited to see what new uses the industry comes up with for this port to enable even the average customer to create or enjoy music and other audio recordings on-the-go. We think this is a big win for portable audio.”

Apple has already captured the attention of many accessory makers, who have integrated the new connector into their audio products. From speaker and headphone manufacturers such as Apple-owned Beats to third parties like Bose, and even car makers like Ford and Honda, a plethora of companies have already expressed an interest in incorporating the new technology into their hardware.

“At Ford, we’re always looking for the next big thing in mobile connectivity. That’s why we created our revolutionary SYNC technology with Microsoft, and why we were quick to adopt features like Siri Eyes-Free and CarPlay. Now, we’re looking to the future with Apple’s universal media adapter. This is going to be the audio connector that propels us forward for years to come,” said Ford CTO Raj Nair.

Ford is expected to include support for the Pro Audio Port (marketed by Ford as an “Audio Universal Experience,” or “AUX”) right in the dashboard of its entire 2018 vehicle lineup.

But at Apple, while these other uses may serve to make the port more useful for general consumers, pro users remain the primary use case.

“We’ve always been focused on the professional and prosumer market,” Schiller said in an interview with CNET following the unveiling. “That’s why we take the time to keep products like the Mac Pro up-to-date with the latest industry changes. It’s why we removed the useless function and escape keys from the MacBook Pro and replaced them with an ever-changing strip of touchscreen controls.”

Later in the interview, he further commented on the company’s commitment to pro users: “The professional market has always been one of our key demographics. They’re a big part of why Apple is what it is today. We want to keep taking care of them the way they’ve taken care of us. That’s why we’re proud when we can show off these amazing new innovations that will help them do more. That’s what Apple is all about.”

Apple announces nothing

we have nothing

Apple CEO Tim Cook excitedly took the stage today during a special media event to announce that the Cupertino-based tech giant has nothing left to announce.

“We are completely out of ideas,” the executive told the gathered crowd of developers and press, before launching into a breakdown of the company’s year so far. Here are Apple’s 2014 stats according to Cook:

  • ZERO – The number of new products released to the public so far this year
  • ZERO – The number of new product categories Apple has entered so far this year

Cook then turned over the stage to SVP of Software Engineering Craig Federighi, who detailed the company’s latest public software releases. “We haven’t actually released any new software this year,” Federighi noted. “And now,” he added, “I’d like to take a few minutes to talk to you about hair care products.”

Federighi was careful to point out that hair care products are just one of his many passions and that Apple was in no way planning on making the jump to that “new product category.”

After Federighi gave the crowd a look at his top 10 styling tips, Cook once again came on stage to introduce Phil Schiller, Apple’s marketing chief.

“I want to start today by going back to something I said last year. It turns we actually can’t innovate anymore.” Schiller then showed off Apple’s newest iPhone ad, which explains all of the ways Ludwing van Beethoven could have used an iPhone 5s if the device had existed in his lifetime.

Following the video, Schiller explained the reasoning behind it: “Here at Apple, we believe that our products are truly life-changing. We want everyone to know how minimally-relevant people can use iPhone to accomplish things that most smartphone customers would never have a need for. And this ad continues that theme by demonstrating the powerful ways an 18th-century composer could have used iPhone.”

Finally, Cook came back on stage to close out the event. “We at Apple are so excited to be introducing nothing to you today. Our employees have put so much work into nothing for the past six months, and we can’t wait for you to try it out.”

The CEO then announced that nothing would be available on July 28th for only $899.

Philip Baxter, a college student who was the first one in line for the iPhone 5s launch at his local Apple Store, said of the event, “That was really a game-changing announcement. I can’t wait for the launch next month. I’m already making plans to camp out at the Apple Store for nothing.”

Small town left reeling following horrific discovery at local home

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Residents in the tiny town of Butler, Oklahoma were shocked Monday night when thirty one-year-old Jake Wallace was arrested. Police say they were called to the house after two of Wallace’s friends made a shocking discovery in his kitchen.

Wallace was holding a small party with some friends in his home to celebrate the long President’s Day weekend when police say things got out of hand.

Chris Peterson, 32, entered Wallace’s kitchen to refill his drink. That’s when he says he was “sickened” by what he found. “I couldn’t believe what I had discovered,” he told reporters. “It was horrible. I’ve never seen anything like that. I just had to get out of there.”

Peterson fled the scene, but not before telling his brother, Alex, what he had seen. It was Alex who called police before leaving the party with Chris. Alex later told a neighbor that what he had seen was “so messed up that he couldn’t even think about it.”

What police found when they arrived was beyond anything they had ever seen, according to police commissioner Ralph King. In a statement given to the press outside of Wallace’s home, King said, “In the past we’ve dealt with a few nutjobs that got a carried away, but this is something on a whole different level.”

According the police report, officers on the scene discovered that the pizza Wallace had served his guests was in fact DiGiorno, not delivery, as they had been lead to believe.

News of the incident traveled quickly in the small town, which has a population of less than 300.

“What kind of sick, twisted individual does it take to let people eat something frozen and tell them it came from a pizza shop?” asked neighbor Doug Stanton.

Others, such as Wallace’s longtime friend Regina Brant, were concerned that he may have tried a similar trick on them. “I ate at his house. I’ve eaten pizza with him. Now who knows what he was feeding me? Could it have been DiGiorno? At this point I think I’d rather not know.”

Robert and Cynthia Wallace, Jake’s parents, were shocked by the news. “He was always so quiet as a child. I never would have believed he was capable of something like this,” his mother told us.

Police are still working through the crime scene, but tell us that so far they have confirmed the presence of at least three DiGiorno pizza boxes. Wallace has been booked on charges of fraud.

Comcast subscribers in New York shocked as hijacked HBO feed airs inoffensive content

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HBO’s Facebook page was flooded with comments from hundreds of New Yorkers shocked by what was appearing on their televisions late last night. During a Game of Thrones re-run, hackers managed to break into Comcast’s feed of the premium cable network and insert fifteen seconds of inoffensive content into the middle of the episode.

Viewers were caught off-guard by an uninterrupted quarter-minute of the kid-friendly cartoon Dora the Explorer. Tweets and comments immediately began appearing on HBO’s Twitter feed and Facebook page, as well as the official Game of Thrones social media accounts. “How dare HBO let this come into my house?” wrote one Facebook user, “I am canceling my subscription immediately. This is not what I paid for.”

Comcast confirmed that the unauthorized content originated somewhere in their network, but they have not yet tracked down the entry point or perpetrator. The company issued the following statement on Facebook and via email to affected subscribers a few hours after the interruption:

Valued Comcast Customer,

On the evening of Saturday, November 30th, a third-party maliciously gained access to Comcast’s internal network and aired fifteen seconds of unauthorized programming on HBO. It is our understanding that the content aired lacked the gratuitous nudity and profanity expected by our HBO subscribers. We would like to offer our sincerest apologies to those affected by this interruption of service.

We are working with the authorities to determine how this attack was carried out and how best to prevent such incidents from occurring in the future.

The hacker who pulled off the attack has already stepped forward, in a way. An anonymous Twitter account, @comcast_ny_pwn, tweeted two days before the attack: “comcast in new york is ours. #gameofpwns”. The tweet was deleted following Comcast’s statement, but not before a few Twitter users captured screenshots of the tweet.

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We reached out to @comcast_ny_pwn via Twitter, and he emailed us a very short statement on the condition of anonymity:

regarding the comcast hack i dont want to go into too much details since that could compromise my identity but i will say it was def much easier than i expected.

He later followed up with an additional note stating that the unauthorized broadcast did not last fifteen seconds, but was actually just under twenty minutes. However, because the first nineteen minutes of the broadcast consisted of nothing but porn clips he pulled from the Internet, no one actually noticed that it was not Game of Thrones until the stream switched over to Dora.

Comcast representatives declined to comment.

Mac users outraged as OS X Mavericks update removes the ability to set a custom homepage in Safari

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Users of Apple’s OS X operating system were in for a bit of a surprise this morning when the Cupertino-based company released an update for its latest Mac software, OS X Mavericks.

Many Mac owners installed the update believing that it would bring faster loading times and better support for new web standards, but were disappointed to learn that only a small percentage of users would see a marginal improvement in performance on a handful of websites.

One change that did affect all users, however, was the removal of the option to set a custom homepage. Instead of allowing users to pick a website to load automatically when starting the browser, all new pages load the Apple Online Store.

Since the Safari update, the Apple Online Store has seen a flood of traffic that crippled the site for hours. Eventually Apple pulled the store offline for upgrades, though Apple’s PR has been insistent that the site never “crashed.”

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Apple CEO Tim Cook quickly addressed the issue on his new Twitter account, telling users that “if you like your current homepage, you can keep it. Period.”

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Cook’s tweet was met with responses from countless users who wrote that they could no longer set a new homepage through Safari’s preferences screen. Cook later responded to these messages with another tweet.

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Apple PR has informed us that there are currently no plans to reverse the decision. Instead, we were supplied with a list of reasons users will love having the Apple Online Store as their homepage. Some of these reasons include…

  • Easy access to Apple’s entire product catalog
  • No need to sift through every page on the Internet to choose the homepage that’s right for you
  • If Apple controls your homepage, they can update it to anything they want at any time

We asked a group of ten Mac users what they thought of the change. Two college students replied that they were upset with the change, but the eight other members of our group quickly spoke up in favor of it.

“I think it’s homophobic to say that Tim Cook made a bad decision,” said one student. “Yeah, you guys are just upset with his policy because he might be gay,” another chimed in. The two students who had spoken out against the decision tried to reassert their points but were shouted down by cries of “hate” and “intolerance” from the others.

“Besides,” one of the girls in the back row said, “if your homepage isn’t the Apple Store, how are you supposed to buy Apple products? If we don’t force people to use this as their homepage, those people will not buy Apple products. Everyone should have access to Apple products.”

One of the students against the change pointed out that not everyone wants to own Apple products, and that those who do are still able to buy them without using the store as their homepage. His point was quickly refuted by other members of the group who insisted that they know better than anyone else which products people should buy.

Ben Affleck confirmed to ruin “Man of Steel” sequel

batman

Warner Brothers confirmed this evening that Ben Affleck has been picked up to utterly destroy any hope of a decent Superman sequel. “We’re excited to have Ben on board,” said Man of Steel director Zack Snyder. “When we first considered doing a Batman-Superman crossover film, the first thing we wondered is how we could maintain our long tradition of royally screwing up.”

The studio’s mixed results with DC Comics superheros include several horrible Batman movies in the late 80s and early 90s, as well as an unbelievably boring journey to Metropolis in Superman Returns. Warner Brothers CEO Barry Meyer expressed his dismay at the resounding success of Christian Bale’s performance as the Caped Crusader and said that he hoped future partnerships with DC Comics would result in a barrage of poor reviews. Unfortunately, Man of Steel was well-recieved by audiences, who enjoyed Henry Cavill’s portrayal of Superman.

“We really needed to find a way to make this bad,” Meyer said in an interview following the announcement. “We considered all of our options and we decided that we would keep with our tradition of choosing the wrong person to play Batman. After our blunders with the Dark Knight series, we realized that we had inadvertantly created characters that people liked. This is our chance to redeem ourselves by utterly destroying that trust. We really hope it will go over well.”

Affleck is known for his less-than-stellar title role in the 2003 film Daredevil based on the superhero created by DC rival Marvel Comics. That performance, says Snyder, was one of the primary reasons Warner Brothers knew they could trust him to bomb completely: “He just doesn’t do superheroes very well. We have low expectations for him in this role, and we couldn’t be more thrilled.”

Apple issues apology for lack of iOS Daylight Savings bugs, promises correction

Tim Cook published an apology on Apple’s website today addressing widespread criticism of the iPhone’s lack of Daylight Savings-related bugs.

To our customers,

At Apple, we strive to create amazing products that integrate so deeply into the lives of those who use them that a simple timekeeping error could lead to riots in the streets of San Francisco (not that it takes much to do that).

I believe that we failed to do so with our latest iOS update, and I would like to apologize.

I awoke this morning to reports that iPhone, iPod touch, and iPad had failed to function improperly following the Daylight Savings time change that took place last night. This is outside of the behavior that most users have come to expect from our products.

To address this issue, we will be releasing an update to iOS shortly which will re-enable these problems.

Once again, on behalf of everyone at Apple, I apologize for this significant oversight. I sincerely hope that we can regain some of the trust that we lost today.

Tim Cook
Apple’s CEO

The iOS update mentioned in the letter is already available for all iOS 6 devices. The change log is below.

iOS 6.1.3 addresses the follow issues:

– Corrects an issue where iPhone could handle Daylight Savings without any problems

– Introduces several new bugs for the end of Daylight Savings

iOS 6.1.3 is recommended for all users.

The release means that Apple will once again have to rename the current iOS beta. It had previously been called “iOS 6.1.2,” but following an emergency bug fix release, it was renamed “iOS 6.1.3.” It seems that Apple will once again be forced to bump the version number if this beta to 6.1.4.

Review: Mountain Dew Baja Blast Freeze


Earlier this month, Taco Bell released an all-new take on their exclusive Mountain Dew flavor, “Baja Blast,” which has been a longtime fan-favorite. Not only is Baja Blast the only thing I drink when I go to Taco Bell, but it’s the only flavor of Mountain Dew I actually enjoy.

So, does the Baja Blast Freeze live up to the reputation of its liquid variety? Keep reading for the full rundown on this frozen treat.

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T-Mobile to merge with MetroPCS, but not really

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T-Mobile CEO John Legere, portrayed by a Steve Buscemi impersonator, is “psyched” about the merger

T-Mobile USA announced a daring new plan to merge with MetroPCS in order to further advance their network infrastructure. “We believe that by merging with the 72nd largest wireless carrier in the US, we can create a network which rivals that of Alltel Wireless,” T-Mobile CEO John Legere said in a YouTube video posted just after the announcement.

Legere praised MetroPCS’ refusal to just “roll over and die already,” noting that “even though most people thought they did that years ago, they actually have a broad customer base of nearly ten subscribers.” Citing the fact that Sprint’s 3G network is the slowest in the country, Legere joked that “it shouldn’t be too hard to catch up to them,” but then grimaced, as if he suddenly realized that the nation’s slowest 3G network is still more popular than his company’s “4G” HSPA+ network.

Many speculate that MetroPCS was actually T-Mobile’s second choice following T-Mobile’s failed AT&T merger. Legere refuted such claims, saying that MetroPCS was “definitely not a second option,” and that it was in fact “our fourth or fifth option after a bunch of other networks shot us down.”

Legere said that he is “psyched” for the merger and can’t wait for the day when T-Mobile “curb-stomps those punks at AT&T and Verizon.” Legere then took a moment to discuss the difference between T-Mobile’s new combined network and those of the company’s competitors using a series of buzzwords so lengthy and meaningless that we will not bother to write it in this post.

Addressing concerns that no one will actually care about this merger, Legere said, “Wait until those losers at Alltel get a load of this. They won’t know what hit them. And we’re just going to climb the ladder from there. We’re going to hit everyone starting with those chumps at Sprint. Screw those guys.”

A bit later in the video, Legere assured viewers that because MetroPCS and T-Mobile use different network technologies, they will remain separate companies with separate leadership, and only merge in the sense that nothing will actually be merged except their name. “Basically we’re going to have the same name, but our network, while huge, won’t work on all of our phones. In fact, for the most part, our customers can rest assured that nothing is actually going to change,” he stated.

Regarding the actual phone hardware that would run on the network, Legere said, “What is an iPhone? We don’t want that phone. It sucks. It is the worst phone ever. Although if Apple would just take a look at our new network once the merger is complete and think about maybe giving us the iPhone, we would be extremely grateful. That’s not the only reason we’re retooling our entire network, but it actually definitely might be. But yeah, the iPhone sucks.”

Legere finished his video by saying that “this isn’t a move to survive. It’s a move to thrive. We are merging with one of the smallest, least-known networks in the country, not because we are desperately trying to keep our heads above water, but because we really need their incredibly depressing infrastructure to make our network the best ever.”

We tried to reach MetroPCS for comment, but unfortunately their representative couldn’t get a signal anywhere due to shoddy network coverage.